WHY JANUARY'S SUCKED!
First off, if you want this question explained in one sentence it's this: A movie called "Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters" is the biggest movie 2013 so far. What does that say about America? But if you want a further detailed explanation, keep reading.
January is already an absolutely desolate month for movies, and February is no better. Movie studio executives look at the movies that wouldn't do well literally any other time of year and defecate them into theaters for the audience's joying pleasure (*cough cough* lets make some money off some real idiots *cough cough*). With my handy dandy friend Wikipedia (don't judge, this is actually accurate shtuff), I'll go through movie by movie and explain why it came out and why it bombed. Maybe with a little assistance from yours truly people will realize the only reason to go to a theater in January is to catch up on your Oscar movies!
TEXAS CHAINSAW 3D (ROTTEN TOMATOES SCORE: 19%)
The name alone offers eye rolls and groans of unnecessary horror flicks designed to get a big box office opening weekend and sputter and die by its third week (see my article on why "Paranormal Activity" will never die), and this was 2013's first number one movie, pulling in an impressive $22 million. Out of the four weeks of January, three movies that were in the horror genre got #1 Oh God.
Summary: "The equivalent of film road kill....an abridged version of the original, rendered by bad 3D, serves as a pre-credit set-up and makes us long for the real deal,"- Glen Lovell.
GANGSTER SQUAD (RTS: 32%)
As you all know after the Aurora massacre, scenes were changed in "Squad" about shooting up a movie theater. Totally understandable, I'm not deducting points for that at all. But "Gangster Squad" was overly violent, and wasted its star power. Good thing it didn't come out last summer!
Summary: "In spite of heavy gunfire, [this film] misses,"- Robert Denerstein.
MAMA (RTS: 63%)
Man it's sad when this is the most acclaimed movie of the year! Jessica Chastain was riding high off her Golden Globe win for "Zero Dark Thirty," and this and "ZDT" got the 1 and 2 slots for the box office. Peers of mine say it's more funny than scary, and the Mama ghost looked like an embarrassing puppet. Sad confession: I kind of wanted to see this.
Summary: "Billed as a horror movie, but more truthfully a horrible movie, Chastain can't save this one,"- Jackie K. Cooper.
THE LAST STAND (RTS: 59%)
Now this genuinely surprised me! With all of the buzz around the Governator I thought old-school action aficionados would flock to see his new picture! Turns out he and Stallone, who's "Bullet to the Head" fared even worse on its opening weekend) have long since overstayed their welcome.
Summary: "'The Last Stand?' Poor Arnie looks like he can barely stand,"- Ed Whitfield.
HANSEL AND GRETEL: WITCH HUNTERS (RTS: 19%)
Honestly I can't even touch this movie because it's made nearly $100 million, and the fact that that premise could conjure up that kind of money astounds me. All I'm gonna say is if I had to choose between this and "Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter" I'd go with the latter. Wait..why would I ever have to make that choice? What kind of world are we living in?
Summary: "It's a grim fairy tale all right," - Keith Uhlich.
MOVIE 43 (RTS: 5%)
I know literally one person who saw this movie, and they called it "gross and disgusting." That seems like a useless bit of info, but take in these are teenagers we're talking of. Gross and disgusting has become this generation's brand of comedy! The gargantuan cast full of Oscar winners and even present Oscar nominees (sorry Hugh Jackman, Naomi Watts and Seth MacFarlane!) apparently embarrasses themselves beyond redemption in what's being called one of the worst films of all time. The red band trailer for this came on before "Django Unchained," and while there were some chuckles at Terrence Howard's part, the scathing reviews I hear about this can't be lying. All this has intrigued me to no end, so when this disaster on wheels hits DVD, I'm totally renting out of curiosity. Expect a DVD review!
Summary: "Most of ['Movie 43'] is a test of endurance,"- Philippa Hawker.
January is already an absolutely desolate month for movies, and February is no better. Movie studio executives look at the movies that wouldn't do well literally any other time of year and defecate them into theaters for the audience's joying pleasure (*cough cough* lets make some money off some real idiots *cough cough*). With my handy dandy friend Wikipedia (don't judge, this is actually accurate shtuff), I'll go through movie by movie and explain why it came out and why it bombed. Maybe with a little assistance from yours truly people will realize the only reason to go to a theater in January is to catch up on your Oscar movies!
TEXAS CHAINSAW 3D (ROTTEN TOMATOES SCORE: 19%)
The name alone offers eye rolls and groans of unnecessary horror flicks designed to get a big box office opening weekend and sputter and die by its third week (see my article on why "Paranormal Activity" will never die), and this was 2013's first number one movie, pulling in an impressive $22 million. Out of the four weeks of January, three movies that were in the horror genre got #1 Oh God.
Summary: "The equivalent of film road kill....an abridged version of the original, rendered by bad 3D, serves as a pre-credit set-up and makes us long for the real deal,"- Glen Lovell.
GANGSTER SQUAD (RTS: 32%)
Summary: "In spite of heavy gunfire, [this film] misses,"- Robert Denerstein.
MAMA (RTS: 63%)
Man it's sad when this is the most acclaimed movie of the year! Jessica Chastain was riding high off her Golden Globe win for "Zero Dark Thirty," and this and "ZDT" got the 1 and 2 slots for the box office. Peers of mine say it's more funny than scary, and the Mama ghost looked like an embarrassing puppet. Sad confession: I kind of wanted to see this.
Summary: "Billed as a horror movie, but more truthfully a horrible movie, Chastain can't save this one,"- Jackie K. Cooper.
THE LAST STAND (RTS: 59%)
Summary: "'The Last Stand?' Poor Arnie looks like he can barely stand,"- Ed Whitfield.
HANSEL AND GRETEL: WITCH HUNTERS (RTS: 19%)
Honestly I can't even touch this movie because it's made nearly $100 million, and the fact that that premise could conjure up that kind of money astounds me. All I'm gonna say is if I had to choose between this and "Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter" I'd go with the latter. Wait..why would I ever have to make that choice? What kind of world are we living in?
Summary: "It's a grim fairy tale all right," - Keith Uhlich.
MOVIE 43 (RTS: 5%)
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| I think this speaks for itself |
Summary: "Most of ['Movie 43'] is a test of endurance,"- Philippa Hawker.
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